1. Songwriters are complete liars. Half of the stuff they write they didn’t experience, and the other half – the stuff they did experience – is real stuff that they’re completely misinterpreting or misrepresenting for their own personal, emotional gain. Most of the virtues they promote are actually decorated vices. Anything that even remotely sounds like humility in their words is actually calculated egotism. It’s most likely that you love their lyrics, and find greater meaning in them, far more than they do. They rarely even like their own songs. They are so sick of them that when they go to sleep, they have to listen to something else to try to erase the memory of their own songs from their heads. Many of the signature eccentricities that are the hallmark of “real” songwriters – phobias, severe introversion, bizarre tastes – have been feigned for so long that the songwriter actually thinks they are real.
2. Songwriters are complete failures. The simplest spoken prose from one person to another says more than a songwriter ever could hope to say in a thousand careers. As soon as a songwriter tries to pluck its essence from the vine, it begins to wither; by the time it reaches your ears, it is a rotten caricature of true emotions. Much of the lyrics that you find most profound are actually free associations. Mind you, those free associations sometimes do reveal something amazing about reality, love, or beauty, and most of the time, the songwriter will never realize what it is. Half the lyrics you hear are actually filler lyrics that mean nothing, and the songwriter was planning to replace them at a later time with something as soon as inspiration struck. Because songwriters are lazy, this never happened. Which brings me to my next point.
3. Songwriters are lazy. Songwriting isn’t their job, it’s their desperate attempt at avoiding a job. They are so full of themselves that they think their filler lyrics, lies, and free associations will really somehow save them from having to work. Which brings me to my next point.
4. Songwriters don’t understand life. Songwriters don’t write to experience reality to the fullest – they write to escape it. Therefore, anything they seem to tell you that is analogous to your own experiences in life is actually just a coincidence. Because the world doesn’t revolve around them, songwriters write songs in order to manufacture a new world that does revolve around them. Oftentimes, this new world is far more beautiful than real life, but this is just more evidence of no. 2.
5. Songwriters don’t have your best interests in mind. In the fraction of songs that actually mean something, they are usually attempts at manipulating you. And not in the good way. They are usually attempts to get you to like, love, admire, give money to, or have sex with them. This is mostly to fill massive voids in their personalities. Don’t trust a songwriter with your music gear, your significant other, your sanity, your money, your couch, or your personal life. The songwriter will either try to take control of and/or destroy all of them. Note to songwriters: don’t trust other songwriters with your songs.
6. Songwriters don’t write the best songs. The best songs just appear from some other source in their minds. They don’t choose to write these songs, they just hold their instruments a lot and hope that the valves of the universe turn and pour something into them. When this happens, they usually sit around stunned, jaws agape, wondering whether they are just accidentally copying some famous song they heard a few years before (half the time, they are). The rest of the time, when they are writing their B-sides, they are intentionally copying some famous song they heard a few years before.
7. Songwriters are awesome. And I am one.